dan (dan501) wrote,

so... uhhh... what did you do tonight?

me? I fucked a bag of marshmallows.

normally, when I think of unusual sex toys, I think that it's girls leading the charge of what can be used as a sex toy. girls can do silverware, shampoo bottles, any other bottles, candles, assordid fruits and vegetables, lava lamps (for the daring), assordid jesus figurines (for the blassphemous), as well as like 7 aisles in le sex shoppe. what do guys get? melons, the stupid blow-up dolls of which everyone makes fun, and warm apple pie. well that ain't the case no more. I now feel qualified to give most people a run for their money in the "what's the weirdest sex toy you've ever used" competition.

it all started a few months ago when, as she'd hoped, I was in karinlewicki's living room. I walked in to a discussion already in progress between daniel, james, and someone else - jelly? james saw me come in and asked...

james: hey dan, will you do something? it's kind of weird
me : probably
james: will you fuck a bag of marshmallows?

they had been discussing the age old "if I were the opposite sex for one day" thing. I apparently missed the part where some guy taking part in that discussion says "I could never be a woman. I'd just sit around all day and play with my breasts." james had a new take on this debate, however. unlike most, who say things like...
I want to pee standing up!
I want to feel PMS!
I want to feel what an orgasm is like!

no... none of that run of the mill I'm-a-new-gender crap for her. no. when james' fairy godmother turns her into a man, the first things james will do is march to the supermarket and buy a bag of marshmallows to fuck. you see, women are not blessed with the god given anatomy with which to comfortably fuck a bag of marshmallows. I'm ready to be convinced otherwise.

for the last several months since then, I've been busily forgetting to buy marshmallows. not on purpose or anything. just forgetting. I've recalled my marshmallow fucking promise several times. but always when I'm at home. the only marshmallows I had at home were a stale half full bag. the list of "things that are still ok to fuck once they've gone stale" is pretty short. marshmallows didn't make that list - I checked. and I'd feel weird about making a special trip to the store just to get marshmallows for fucking.

today at the store, I noticed that it's passover time. that's significant for me because every year, I stock up on jewzooka. that's bazooka gum imported from israel. hebrew bazooka joe comics and everything. I do that because that's the best gum in the world. seriously. I chew a lot of gum and I know these things. jewzooka is definitely better than US bazooka. why? I don't know. but it is. this year, they had no jewzooka. I planned on talking to the store manager about that. but the manager was closed. this time, for the first time in forever, the checkout person didn't ask me if I found everything I was looking for. I mean, they have been asking me every single time for about 6 months now. but not this time. alas I did not get to bitch about the jewzooka thing.

I also noticed that they had kosher marshmallows in the little passover-central display. somehow, a jew light went on above my head and I recalled my promise to james. I bought the marshmallows. not only did I fuck a bag of marshmallows, I fucked a bag of kosher marshmallows. they had both big marshmallows and mini marshmallows. I weighed my options carefully. after minutes of fierce debate, I got the mini marshmallows. do you think I made the right move?

yes, that's going on my resume.
yes, I finished.
yes, I had to take a shower when I was done.
yes, there are pictures.
no, you cannot see them.
yes, the marshmallows were darn good.
no, I didn't eat them after.
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